Some thoughts and tips about how to be dominant

Thoughts and discussions on various aspects of being dominant.

"Kneel, slave!" Is it really that simple?

Yes, in some cases those simple words can make submissives' knees go weak, make their own will go out the window and immerse them into subspace, but probably more often not. It depends on the dominant saying the words, the submissive hearing them, the interaction between them, the mood and the situation.

First, despite what some people think or state, there are no general rules for what a dominant should be like. Second, if you need to ask the question how you should be dominant, you probably first need to ask the question why you want to be dominant.

So, why do you want to be dominant? Is it in your heart? Have you found that one special person who happens to be submissive? Do you want a BDSM partner but think it's too hard finding a dominant one. Do you want submissives as easy fuck toys? Do you want revenge for being rejected? Do you like the BDSM dominant clothing fashion? Do you want to be able to hang out with other cool dominants as an equal?

If it's in your heart to be dominant, you really don't need to ask others how to be dominant. Follow your heart, find someone who is willing to match your desires without too much compromise from either side, or one or both of you will be frustrated. If you're just out of ideas, google for some of your favorite kinks and be inspired by the texts and images you will find.

If it's in your heart to be dominant but you are new to the scene or uncertain about if you really can do what you want to do, know this: There will always be someone out there who will think your kink is OK and appreciate it, even if that someone may be hard to find and some others may frown or laugh at you and your kink.

If people tell you your kink is not OK, it means it's not OK with them, which you should respect. However, it may still be OK with others, perhaps even some present who don't dare speak up. The only kinks that may not be OK are those that are punishable by law, e.g. murder and non-consensual kidnapping, rape and assault. In some places and cases such actions are illegal even if all involved parties consent to them.

If you want to be dominant for someone else, what is it that person wants, are you willing to go as far as that person needs, and are you both comfortable with you doing it not for your own pleasure but for someone else's? Many submissives won't give any kind of wish list or even hints to follow, but require the dominant to take the lead and make the decisions.

Also, to be dominant to a submissive, when it's not in your heart, may require you to do things that could be hard to bear doing to someone you care about, even if that is what is required to make that person happy and satisfied. Could you bear inflicting distress, pain, humiliation and tears to that special someone in your heart?

If you are looking for a BDSM partner and believe you can increase your odds by acting the dominant part, perhaps you should think again. Many submissives are most unwilling to switch to the dominant role, and also many switches may be upset by being misled by someone claiming to be dominant. So, unless willing to keep acting the dominant role, this is probably not a good way.

If you want submissives as easy fuck toys, many "real" dominants and submissives will frown at you. In their minds, dominance and submission is something much grander than just using and abusing. But there are also submissives who will be quite content with the degradation and humiliation of being just fuck toys and nothing more. Just don't assume everyone will accept it.

If revenge is the motivation for your wish to be dominant, you may be threading very thin ice. The step can be very short to pass those limits where your actions will be punishable by law. Even if you don't pass those limits, you are still likely to hurt people physically or emotionally in ways they will not appreciate or ever forgive. There are strong reasons not to pursue such a path.

If you believe you need to become a dominant just to be permitted to dress in some groovy and kinky clothes and attire, with a matching attitude, perhaps you are overdoing things. If you need to learn things and act up to create your own personal identity, then the question is if that identity really is you and if you will be comfortable with it.

If you want to be dominant to fit into a group, then it's the ways and opinions of that group that should guide you. Since there are no general rules on how a dominant should be, those ways and opinions may differ widely between groups. You need to listen in and be ready to adapt to become accepted in such a group.

Like beauty, dominance is much in the eye of the beholder. What one submissive sees as really dominant may be regarded as silly and theatrical by another, or psychopathical and most unpleasant by a third. No dominant will ever be able to please all submissives with one dominant act.

Regardless of your motives for being a dominant, there is also the submissive(s) you interact with that may affect the way you should behave as a dominant. Just like with dominants, there are no general rules for what a submissive should be like.

Some submissives enjoy rough physical play and severe pain, others are afraid of or turned off by it. Some submissives enjoy being scared and have their minds played with, others may panic or feel very uncomfortable with it. Some submissives enjoy humiliation like e.g. public exhibition, others would never accept it.

Some submissives want to leave all decisions to the dominant. They will accept whatever discomforts and suffering that may bring. Being forced to accept things they don't really like is sometimes the very essence of submission to them. Some are also thrilled when they feel the dominant doesn't regard them at all.

Some submissives want to be able to state clear limits and also be able to have safewords to stop the action if it becomes too much for them. Often they also need to feel the dominant regarding them and their desires even when they haven't stated clearly what they want themselves.

Some submissives want to negotiate every step of a scene. They want to be in full control of what the dominant is doing and be able to stop or adjust it at any time. Some may deliver pre-written manuscripts, describing how they would like the dominant to dress, act and treat them throughout the scene.

The behavior, limits and desires of a submissive may change with time and situation. It will probably evolve with experience, depend on mood and excitement, be influenced by the dominant and previous actions. At one time point the submissive may want full control, at another no control at all, even with the same dominant and in identical situations.

Many submissives do not want to state their desires and limits with words. They expect the dominant to be able to read their physical responses, if not their mind, to know how to proceed. This requires the dominant to be very attentive, but also allows for adjusting to shifts in limits and desires.

It is up to both the dominant and submissive(s) to find a compromise in the way of domination, when it's needed, to meet at least the minimum needs of all involved. If such a compromise is not possible, then perhaps that particular dominant and submissive(s) may not be a good enough match for each other to continue at least the domination part of the relationship.

So, the answer to how you should be dominant is up to you and your possible partner(s). No one else, except maybe the law, can tell you if it's right or wrong. If you will shape your dominance all on your own, in interaction with your partner(s), or ruled by their desires and limits, is entirely up to you and your partner(s).